The Part of You That Sabotages Your Relationships Isn't the Enemy: Understanding IFS Therapy

You know that moment when everything's going well in your relationship, and then suddenly you find yourself picking a fight over something small? Or when your partner reaches out for connection and you shut down, even though closeness is exactly what you've been craving? Maybe you recognize the pattern of pushing away the people you love most, just when things start to feel too good or too vulnerable.

If you've ever wondered why you keep repeating the same relationship patterns despite your best intentions, you're not alone. And here's what might surprise you. That part of you that seems to sabotage your connections isn't trying to ruin your life. It's actually trying to protect you.

This is the foundation of Internal Family Systems therapy, and it's changed how I understand and work with the complex ways we show up in relationships. Whether you're in Singapore, Dubai, San Francisco, or Jakarta navigating the challenges of connection across cultures and time zones, understanding your internal system can be the key to transforming your most important relationships.

What Is Internal Family Systems Therapy?

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapeutic approach developed by Richard Schwartz that recognizes we all have different parts within us. Think of it like the Pixar film "Inside Out," where different characters represent different aspects of the main character's inner experience. While that movie simplified it to five emotions, IFS suggests we have many parts, each with its own perspective, feelings, and protective strategies.

These aren't multiple personalities or a sign that something's wrong with you. Having parts is completely normal. In fact, it's how the human psyche naturally organizes itself to navigate a complex world. You might notice this multiplicity when you say things like "part of me wants to open up, but another part wants to keep my guard up" or "one part of me is angry, but another part feels guilty about being angry."

In my work with clients across different international contexts, I've found that IFS offers a compassionate framework for understanding why we do things that don't align with what we consciously want. It honors the complexity of being human while providing a clear map for change.

The Internal System: More Than Just Thoughts and Feelings

What makes IFS particularly powerful is how it aligns with what we know about the brain and nervous system. From a biopsychosocial perspective, our parts aren't just mental constructs. They're connected to actual neural networks, body sensations, and learned responses that have been shaped by our biology, psychology, and social experiences.

When we talk about parts in IFS, we're talking about semi-autonomous subsystems that have their own beliefs, emotions, and ways of perceiving the world. These parts develop over time, often in childhood, as adaptive responses to our environment. Some parts formed to help us cope with stress, others to protect us from rejection or abandonment, and still others to manage painful emotions or memories.

Your nervous system plays a crucial role in how these parts function. When a protective part gets activated, it often corresponds with a shift in your nervous system state. You might notice your body tensing, your breath becoming shallow, or that familiar feeling of needing to flee or fight. This isn't just in your head. It's your entire system responding to a perceived threat, even if that threat is emotional rather than physical.

Understanding this connection between parts, nervous system responses, and relationship patterns is central to how I work. I draw from the science of how the mind, body, and nervous system work together to shape our behaviors and connections with others. This means therapy isn't just about insight or talking things through. It's about working with your whole system to create real, embodied change.

Why Your Parts Sabotage Your Relationships (And Why That's Actually Protective)

Let's look at what's really happening when a part seems to sabotage your relationship. Imagine you're in your late twenties or thirties, navigating a serious relationship or marriage. Things are going well, you're feeling close to your partner, maybe even discussing future plans together. Then suddenly, you find yourself becoming critical, withdrawing, or creating distance. You might start fights over small things, work late to avoid coming home, or feel inexplicably irritated by your partner's presence.

From the outside, this looks like self-sabotage. From the inside of your system, though, a protective part has been activated. This part might have learned early in your life that closeness leads to disappointment, that vulnerability means getting hurt, or that depending on someone will inevitably end in abandonment. So when things get too close, too good, too vulnerable, this part steps in to create distance because distance feels safer than the potential pain of loss.

These protective parts often formed during critical developmental periods. Maybe you grew up with a parent who was inconsistent in their availability, so you learned to not rely on others. Perhaps you experienced rejection or betrayal that taught you it's dangerous to fully trust. Or maybe your family environment required you to be independent and self-sufficient, leaving little room for the vulnerability that intimate relationships require.

The part that creates distance, picks fights, or shuts down emotionally isn't being malicious. It's doing exactly what it was designed to do: keep you safe from repeating painful experiences. The problem is that these protective strategies, while adaptive in childhood or in past relationships, often create the very outcomes we're trying to avoid in our current relationships.

I see this frequently with high-functioning adults who come to my practice. You might be incredibly competent in your professional life, managing complex projects and navigating demanding work environments with ease. But in your intimate relationships, old protective patterns emerge that don't match your adult capacity or current reality. The part that learned to be hyperindependent to survive a chaotic childhood doesn't recognize that your partner is actually reliable and safe.

The Cost of Protection: How Protective Parts Keep Us Stuck

Think about the film "Marriage Story," where both characters are clearly capable of love and connection, yet they find themselves locked in patterns of conflict and disconnection. While the movie focuses on a divorce, what we're really witnessing is two people whose protective parts have taken over, making it impossible to access the vulnerable parts that still care deeply for each other.

Your protective parts might show up in your relationship in various ways. Some parts create emotional distance through withdrawal, shutting down, or stonewalling. Others create distance through conflict, criticism, or finding fault. Some parts might use work, hobbies, or substances to avoid intimacy. Still others might people-please to such an extent that you lose yourself and breed resentment.

These strategies work in the short term. They do reduce anxiety and create a sense of safety. But over time, they prevent the very intimacy and connection that most of us deeply want. Your partner starts to feel shut out, misunderstood, or criticized. They respond with their own protective parts, and before long, you're both operating from protection rather than connection. This is especially challenging for couples navigating the additional stressors of expat life, cultural differences, or the intense demands of corporate environments.

The tragedy is that underneath all this protection, there are vulnerable parts of you that want connection, that feel lonely, that miss your partner even when they're right there. But these vulnerable parts stay hidden because your protective parts don't believe it's safe to let them be seen.

Meeting Your Parts: The IFS Approach to Transformation

In IFS therapy, the goal isn't to get rid of your protective parts or to overcome them through willpower. Instead, we work to understand them, appreciate what they've done for you, and help them update their understanding of your current reality. This is a fundamentally different approach than trying to change your behavior or challenge your thoughts.

The work begins with curiosity. When you notice yourself in a protective pattern, maybe shutting down after your partner expresses hurt, we don't judge that part or try to make it go away. Instead, we get curious about it. What is this part afraid would happen if it didn't shut you down? What is it protecting you from? How long has it been doing this job?

This curiosity creates space between you and the part. You're not the part that shuts down. You have a part that shuts down. This distinction is crucial because it means you also have access to what IFS calls Self: your core essence that has qualities like curiosity, compassion, clarity, and connection. When you can access Self, you can relate to your parts rather than being consumed by them.

In my work with individuals and couples, I've found that this shift from being blended with a part to having a relationship with it is often the first significant breakthrough. Suddenly, you're not a defensive person or an avoider. You're someone who has protective parts that learned to defend or avoid, and that changes everything.

The Body Knows: Integrating Nervous System Work with IFS

One of the reasons I integrate IFS with nervous system and embodied practices is that our parts don't just live in our minds. They live in our bodies. That protective part that creates distance might show up as tension in your chest, a tightness in your throat, or a collapse in your shoulders. Learning to recognize these somatic signals is essential for working with your parts in real time.

When I work with clients, whether in weekly sessions or intensive formats, we pay attention to where parts live in the body and how they communicate through physical sensations. We might use techniques from Brainspotting to access and process the stored experiences that fuel protective parts. We incorporate mindfulness practices that help you develop the capacity to stay present with uncomfortable sensations rather than automatically reacting to them.

This embodied approach is particularly important for relationship patterns because our partners often trigger protective parts before we're consciously aware of what's happening. Your nervous system detects a potential threat, a part activates, and suddenly you're in a familiar pattern of conflict or distance. By learning to notice the early body signals of part activation, you gain the opportunity to choose a different response.

This is where the biopsychosocial approach becomes tangible. We're not just talking about your relationship. We're working with how your nervous system responds to your partner, how your body holds memories of past hurts, and how your social environment either supports or challenges your patterns. We consider how sleep, stress, boundaries, and daily rhythms all influence which parts get activated and how often.

From Protection to Connection: The Journey of Transformation

As parts begin to trust that you and I are paying attention to their concerns, something shifts. The part that created distance might reveal that underneath its strategy, it's actually protecting a young, vulnerable part that once felt abandoned or rejected. The part that picks fights might be guarding a part that fears being controlled or losing itself in relationship.

When we can access these vulnerable parts with compassion and curiosity, healing becomes possible. These younger parts often carry what IFS calls "burdens": intense beliefs and emotions that were formed during painful experiences. A part might carry the burden of "I'm not enough" or "People always leave" or "It's not safe to need anyone."

The transformative work of IFS involves unburdening these parts, helping them release beliefs and emotions that no longer serve you. As this happens, protective parts can relax. They don't need to work so hard because the vulnerable parts they're protecting are no longer in such pain.

For relationships, this means you become capable of showing up differently with your partner. When your partner expresses hurt or frustration, you might still notice a protective part wanting to shut down or defend, but now you have the capacity to acknowledge that part while choosing to stay present. You can say to your partner, "I notice part of me wants to shut down right now, but I want to hear you. Can you give me a moment?"

This kind of transparency and choice-making transforms relationships. Your partner gets to see your internal process rather than just experiencing your protective behaviors. They understand that when you withdraw, it's not because you don't care, but because a part of you is scared. This understanding creates space for compassion rather than resentment.

Working with Couples: When Two Systems Collide

When I work with couples, we're really working with two internal systems that are trying to dance together. Each person brings their own constellation of parts, and these parts interact in predictable ways. One person's withdrawn, avoidant part might trigger their partner's anxious, pursuing part, which then triggers more withdrawal, creating a cycle that both people feel stuck in.

The beauty of using IFS with couples is that it depathologizes these patterns. Neither person is the problem. Instead, you're both dealing with protective parts that developed long before you met each other. The work becomes about helping each person understand and work with their own parts while also creating space for both people's protective and vulnerable parts to be seen and honored.

In my Couple Counselling Intensives, whether through the Exploration Intensive for addressing specific challenges or the Deepening Intensive for more sustained transformation, we create a structured space for this work. The intensive format allows us to go deeper more quickly than weekly sessions typically permit, which can be particularly valuable when protective patterns have become deeply entrenched.

I draw from Relational Life Therapy in this work, which recognizes how adaptive childhood patterns show up in adult relationships and provides tools for intervening in the moment when protective parts are activated. Combined with IFS, this approach helps couples move from blame and criticism to curiosity and compassion, both for themselves and each other.

The Neuroscience of Change: Why This Work Takes Time

Understanding why protective parts exist and having insight into your patterns is important, but it's not enough for lasting change. This is where the nervous system piece becomes crucial. Your protective parts are connected to neural pathways that have been reinforced over years or decades. These pathways are like well-worn grooves that your nervous system automatically follows when triggered.

Creating new patterns requires more than intention. It requires repeated experiences of safety that allow your nervous system to update its threat detection system. This is why I emphasize the importance of what happens between sessions: the rituals, relationships, and rhythms that build resilience from the inside out.

I might invite you to practice mindfulness techniques that help regulate your nervous system, to pay attention to how sleep and stress influence which parts get activated, or to notice the environmental and relational factors that support or hinder your capacity to stay present. For couples navigating the complexity of expat life or intense work demands, these practical considerations often make the difference between lasting change and temporary insight.

The process of rewiring, re-patterning, and reimagining how you move through relationships isn't quick or linear. Some weeks you'll feel like you're making tremendous progress, noticing protective parts before they take over and choosing differently. Other weeks, you'll find yourself right back in familiar patterns, wondering if anything's really changed.

This is normal. Change in therapy, especially when working with deeply rooted protective patterns, happens in spirals rather than straight lines. Each time you recognize a part and choose differently, even briefly, you're creating new neural pathways. Over time, with consistent attention and practice, these new pathways become stronger and more accessible.

What Working Together Looks Like

When you work with me, whether through weekly sessions or intensive formats, I bring both the science and the humanity to our work together. My background includes navigating intense work environments, motherhood, marriage, and the particular challenges of startup life, so I understand the context many of my clients are living in. I speak the language of high-functioning professionals who are used to solving problems and being competent, and I understand the unique frustration of finding yourself stuck in relationship patterns despite your capabilities in other areas of life.

I see therapy as an integrative and holistic process that honors your complexity. We'll work with your parts using IFS as a framework, but we'll also pay attention to your nervous system, your body's wisdom, your social and cultural context, and the practical realities of your daily life. I might integrate Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help you clarify your values and take committed action, or use Brainspotting to access and process difficult experiences that fuel protective parts.

My approach is grounded in a biopsychosocial understanding of change. We'll consider how your biology, including your nervous system and physical health, influences your relationship patterns. We'll explore the psychological aspects: your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and internal parts. And we'll examine your social world: your relationships, environment, culture, and the systems you're part of.

This isn't just talk therapy. We'll use experiential practices, mindfulness, and embodied techniques to help changes land in your system, not just your understanding. Between sessions, you'll have practices to integrate what we're exploring, and I'm available through WhatsApp for scheduling-related questions as you navigate the practical aspects of showing up consistently for this work.

When Protection Has Served Its Purpose

There's a profound moment in IFS work when a protective part finally trusts enough to step back. It might still be present, still available if truly needed, but it's no longer running the show. In that space, you discover parts of yourself that have been waiting: your capacity for genuine intimacy, your ability to trust and be trusted, your desire for deep connection.

This is when relationships begin to transform in ways that feel both surprising and deeply right. You find yourself able to stay present during difficult conversations. You can acknowledge your partner's experience without immediately defending or explaining. You feel your vulnerability without needing to hide or protect against it. You realize that the parts you once thought of as sabotaging your relationship were actually trying to help in the only way they knew how.

For couples, this often looks like moving from cycles of conflict and distance to genuine partnership. You start to see each other not as the problem, but as two people working together with the challenges your respective parts bring. You develop compassion for your partner's protective parts because you understand your own. You create room for both people's vulnerability and need, rather than one person's protection triggering the other's.

Whether you're in your twenties and navigating early relationship challenges, in your thirties managing the complexity of marriage alongside career demands, or in your forties seeking deeper transformation and connection, understanding your internal system changes what's possible. The parts that once felt like obstacles become guides, showing you exactly where healing needs to happen and what you need to feel safe enough to love and be loved.

Your Relationship Is Worth Understanding

If you've made it this far, something in this resonates with your experience. Maybe you've recognized your own protective parts in these descriptions, or you've seen the patterns that keep you and your partner stuck. Perhaps you're tired of knowing intellectually what you need to do differently but finding yourself unable to follow through when it matters most.

The good news is that understanding your internal system isn't just insight. It's a pathway to real change. When you can work with your parts rather than against them, when you can honor their protective function while also helping them update to your current reality, transformation becomes possible.

I work with individuals and couples in Singapore, Dubai, San Francisco, and Jakarta who are ready for this kind of deep, transformative work. Whether you're looking for intensive sessions to accelerate your progress or weekly sessions for ongoing support, my approach integrates IFS with nervous system work, embodied practices, and a biopsychosocial understanding of change.

The part of you that sabotages your relationships isn't the enemy. It's a part that needs to be heard, understood, and ultimately, helped to see that you're no longer in the situations that made its protection necessary. And the part of you reading this right now, the part that wants something different for your relationships, deserves support in making that change.

If you're ready to explore how IFS therapy might help you understand and transform your relationship patterns, I invite you to reach out. We can start with a free 15-minute consultation where we'll discuss what's bringing you to therapy and whether my approach is a good fit for what you're looking for. My Client Care Coordinator, Mei, helps with the onboarding process to make beginning therapy as smooth as possible.

Your relationships don't have to stay stuck in the same painful patterns. There's a way forward that honors all the parts of you, including the ones that have been working so hard to keep you safe. Let's explore what that might look like together.